Saturday, December 4, 2010

Attending My Own Funeral

Don't worry, I'm not dead or ill, and no I have not run off with some guy from the Internet who wanted me to remove my website (ya know what they say about assuming . . . it makes an ass out of "u" and me). This is what's really going on and why I decided to close my site . . .

I had been considering closing my website for some time (a couple years) and as of late a few things had come up that made the decision to close my doors easier and necessary. Let me just say that having modeled for the last nine years or so has been very empowering, I have met a plethora of amazing people and made some life long friends, and I have experienced so many fascinating things that I wouldn't change all of that for anything. So that brings me to my biggest reason for wanting to make my exit . . . content theft.

I've always been a hard worker in anything I've done and my site was no different. I put a lot of time, money, effort, and above all heart into producing my content. My content is like my kid, I created it and gave it life. To see someone has raped my creation and then joyfully allows everyone under the sun to do the same by encouraging such behavior, rips at my very soul. I have no tolerance for these hijackers and after yet another site rip I had hit my limit, and closed up shop. When you walk the fence between protecting your work and pleasing your viewers, eventually you have to jump to one side. Sorry fellas but I'll win every time when it comes to standing up for myself. I will always fight for what is right and fair, and for that I watch my models like a hawk when it comes to protecting them from the same.

Reason two was the easy part of my verdict . . . new responsibilities. I've never really just modeled as a career. It's been a fun side project that allowed me to be creative and sexy. Recently my other commitments have taken up a much much larger space in my life. I found that I had very little time left in my day to unwind and relax, let alone shoot content. In my opinion it was only fair to remove my site when I could not provide the frequent updates that I know members want and rightfully pay for. Even now I'm looking at the clock and seeing that I have a small amount of time left before I need to hit the hay. Tomorrow is going to be an early and long day and then it's back to the grind.

Another reason that factored in but was not a deal breaker . . . my weight loss. I have lost 100 pounds from my heaviest weight, 64 of which have been since I started this journey back in June. It's been difficult to talk to some of you about this in chats because for many it's the pure size of a woman that gets your motor running and I'm well aware of that. To some the idea of a woman losing weight is actually a turn off. I get it (well as best as I can) and although I feel sexier now than ever before my new looks are no longer geared towards the crowd I once appealed to. I'm beyond proud of myself for my accomplishments in weight loss as it's a long hard road to travel down, but I'm doing what is in my best interests and that's all I hope anyone would do for themselves.

Many models would never admit this and rail against it, but I'm not getting any younger people (unless I Photoshop myself to be and that's not who I am). Once I hit 34 last month it really sank in that I'm just not the type to do the modeling forever. I'm getting older, and I hope wiser. In the infamous words of Kenny Rogers, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run." So for me, I'm folding my hand and walking away but not running mind you and here's why. . .

Part of my decision making process involved a desire to step behind the camera and websites more than I had been able to do before. I absolutely love working with other models by helping them express themselves in the most beautiful and inspirational ways while providing them with a fair and secure experience. The women I work with are some of the most marvelous ladies you'd ever hope to meet and I am truly honored to be able to collaborate with them. I have been wanting to delve deeper into the management side of the business as well as the photography. I feel so at home behind the lens because it allows me to capture the essence of that woman's sensuality, her desires, and passions in a way that only someone who has been there can see. I will still be around in the community, just in a different way.

In summary, yes I am retired from modeling (much like the retirements of Sir Anthony Hopkins, Stephen King, and Brett Favre but very unlike the retirement of Joaquin Phoenix) but you may just see the occasional guest appearance on! I still love pretty pictures of myself (what girl doesn't?) and when I have the time and creation that is worthy of releasing, you'll be sure to know.

Finally I just have to say a big thank you to everyone who has been a "fan" (I hate that word by the way, it always makes me feel like an egomaniacal narcissist), admirer, friend, and supporter over the years. Thank you to those who never said a word but loved to watch, and an even bigger thanks to those that communicated with me. I have loved chatting, talking, and meeting all of you. I will continue to look forward to corresponding with you here, my Twitter, MySpace, FormSpring, or through the many forums I will still be active on.

Much love to you all, and I'll be seeing you! ::tip of the hat::