Saturday, December 4, 2010

Attending My Own Funeral

Don't worry, I'm not dead or ill, and no I have not run off with some guy from the Internet who wanted me to remove my website (ya know what they say about assuming . . . it makes an ass out of "u" and me). This is what's really going on and why I decided to close my site . . .

I had been considering closing my website for some time (a couple years) and as of late a few things had come up that made the decision to close my doors easier and necessary. Let me just say that having modeled for the last nine years or so has been very empowering, I have met a plethora of amazing people and made some life long friends, and I have experienced so many fascinating things that I wouldn't change all of that for anything. So that brings me to my biggest reason for wanting to make my exit . . . content theft.

I've always been a hard worker in anything I've done and my site was no different. I put a lot of time, money, effort, and above all heart into producing my content. My content is like my kid, I created it and gave it life. To see someone has raped my creation and then joyfully allows everyone under the sun to do the same by encouraging such behavior, rips at my very soul. I have no tolerance for these hijackers and after yet another site rip I had hit my limit, and closed up shop. When you walk the fence between protecting your work and pleasing your viewers, eventually you have to jump to one side. Sorry fellas but I'll win every time when it comes to standing up for myself. I will always fight for what is right and fair, and for that I watch my models like a hawk when it comes to protecting them from the same.

Reason two was the easy part of my verdict . . . new responsibilities. I've never really just modeled as a career. It's been a fun side project that allowed me to be creative and sexy. Recently my other commitments have taken up a much much larger space in my life. I found that I had very little time left in my day to unwind and relax, let alone shoot content. In my opinion it was only fair to remove my site when I could not provide the frequent updates that I know members want and rightfully pay for. Even now I'm looking at the clock and seeing that I have a small amount of time left before I need to hit the hay. Tomorrow is going to be an early and long day and then it's back to the grind.

Another reason that factored in but was not a deal breaker . . . my weight loss. I have lost 100 pounds from my heaviest weight, 64 of which have been since I started this journey back in June. It's been difficult to talk to some of you about this in chats because for many it's the pure size of a woman that gets your motor running and I'm well aware of that. To some the idea of a woman losing weight is actually a turn off. I get it (well as best as I can) and although I feel sexier now than ever before my new looks are no longer geared towards the crowd I once appealed to. I'm beyond proud of myself for my accomplishments in weight loss as it's a long hard road to travel down, but I'm doing what is in my best interests and that's all I hope anyone would do for themselves.

Many models would never admit this and rail against it, but I'm not getting any younger people (unless I Photoshop myself to be and that's not who I am). Once I hit 34 last month it really sank in that I'm just not the type to do the modeling forever. I'm getting older, and I hope wiser. In the infamous words of Kenny Rogers, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run." So for me, I'm folding my hand and walking away but not running mind you and here's why. . .

Part of my decision making process involved a desire to step behind the camera and websites more than I had been able to do before. I absolutely love working with other models by helping them express themselves in the most beautiful and inspirational ways while providing them with a fair and secure experience. The women I work with are some of the most marvelous ladies you'd ever hope to meet and I am truly honored to be able to collaborate with them. I have been wanting to delve deeper into the management side of the business as well as the photography. I feel so at home behind the lens because it allows me to capture the essence of that woman's sensuality, her desires, and passions in a way that only someone who has been there can see. I will still be around in the community, just in a different way.

In summary, yes I am retired from modeling (much like the retirements of Sir Anthony Hopkins, Stephen King, and Brett Favre but very unlike the retirement of Joaquin Phoenix) but you may just see the occasional guest appearance on! I still love pretty pictures of myself (what girl doesn't?) and when I have the time and creation that is worthy of releasing, you'll be sure to know.

Finally I just have to say a big thank you to everyone who has been a "fan" (I hate that word by the way, it always makes me feel like an egomaniacal narcissist), admirer, friend, and supporter over the years. Thank you to those who never said a word but loved to watch, and an even bigger thanks to those that communicated with me. I have loved chatting, talking, and meeting all of you. I will continue to look forward to corresponding with you here, my Twitter, MySpace, FormSpring, or through the many forums I will still be active on.

Much love to you all, and I'll be seeing you! ::tip of the hat::

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What are you measurements?

I haven't taken measurements in a LONG time, so I just found the measuring tape and here's what I am now: 42-44-58 (Damn I wasn't expecting 58"! lol)

Ask me anything

Hi, you've been losing weight latley and I know this is going to sound weird but it's really turning me on! Watching you shrink really gets me off! I love seeing you get smaller and smaller each update, please get skinny Gwen!

Well thank you! I love seeing myself get smaller and smaller too as a matter of fact. It's quite fasinating actually because I have a different body now than I did when I was 20 and it's like peeling away the layers to reveal a new woman. I'm smaller now than I was in my last update, so I'll need to get some new ones done to show off the new, new me! I don't know if I'll ever be considered "skinny" but I'm having fun getting "thinner". =)

Ask me anything

At this moment in time, what would you like to be know for??

I'd like to be known for being a good model, an awesome photographer, and a fair and honest webmaster. I've never wanted to be "famous" but being acknowledged for all of the work I do is always appreciated.

Ask me anything

What are you doing for Halloween and what is your costume going to be??

I'm going to a kick ass "Haunted Corn Maze" that's like running through a horror movie . . . for your life. Drinks beforehand and after so it ought to be an awesome night. This year I'll be going as a waitress from True Blood's Merlotte's Bar & Grill. I've got the tiny tight tee, apron, and a bottle of Tru Blood in case I run into any hungry vamps!

Ask me anything

Saturday, October 2, 2010

If you really knew me . . .

You'd know that when I was at my heaviest of 405 pounds I wasn't happy, or comfortable, or content. I was in fact . . . miserable. This brings me to the topic of this post which I can imagine will be controversial to some considering who I am and what I do. I have kept my trap shut for many years on this subject but considering this is MY blog I can say whatever I damn well want. This morning I learned of a tragic passing of a model I knew (I will not be divulging her name out of respect, so please don't ask). Although we weren't close friends I had a lot of admiration for her. She was going through an extremely difficult time in her life, a pain in which I can relate to, but not to the degree she was feeling. As she dealt with this pain, she ate, and she ate a lot. More often than not I believe that overeating and over indulging is related to some emotion we're feeling, whether that be sadness, loss, stress, joy, boredom, or greed. I'll be totally honest here when I say that I believe my friend ate herself to death. After hearing of her passing I couldn't stand by any longer and say nothing on this, because I have had a problem with the whole "feeding/gaining" subject for far too long.

As a model first coming into this industry I never even knew of a "BBW" scene. I didn't start modeling because I was overweight, I started because it made me feel like a more confident and sexy woman. Once I was introduced to the BBW side of the playing field, the entire game changed. I was noticed more for my "fat parts" then who I was as a whole. This led to my then webmaster highly encouraging me to do eating content. I never understood the whole concept of it, because as just a regular girl the thought of purposely eating in front of people weirded me out. I always was and always have been very resistant to doing "eating/gaining" content, because for me it's a lie. I may be a "foodee" because I really appreciate my food (see "My Weekly Indulgence: Sushi & Making it "Special"") but I have never been a "gainer". Let's face it, I'm big for a reason. There have been times where I have fulfilled a member request to do an eating video, but I didn't see it as anything more a special request, because I know it's a sought after fetish. I never particularly felt comfortable doing those requests, but I did them anyway. It may be hypocritical for me to say I'm against it and then look back at my past work only to see how I jumped on the bandwagon, but I can admit I never liked it and I shouldn't have done it.

Here's where I'm concerned. I see a lot of new models come into this industry and they quickly fall into the culture of "bigger is better" and before you know it they have eaten their way through 50, 100, 150, 200 pounds. Look, I'm not saying that EVERY model you see is going to fit into this situation, but I can speak from personal experience. I think when I first started modeling I was around 270 pounds, and as the years rolled by, the pounds packed on. Before I knew it I was 405 pounds, getting up from the couch after eating a bunch of crap, having the mother of all epiphanies in the form of a crippling inner thigh muscle cramp. After hobbling upstairs I made my way into a hot shower in an effort to relieve the excruciating spasm. As I stood there crying (I hardly ever cry . . . ever) and bracing myself against the wall I thought, "This is IT!". I could no longer ignore what I was doing to myself, and my body protested to the point of actually taking me down! So that night I decided that something had to be done, and six months later I was 55 pounds lighter and feeling MUCH improved. Eventually I reverted back to old habits and gained back 20 pounds over the next two years. I can now tell you that over the last four months I've shed 50 pounds and I'm lighter now then I was six years ago.

I realize now that when it comes to being overweight, obese, and the worst sounding one . . . morbidly obese; it's an issue that's SO much deeper than just not understanding and abiding by "calories in vs. calories out". I know a plethora of heavy women and men, and I know that the majority (not all) of them have real world issues that contribute to their weight. It's a matter of figuring yourself out first and dealing with those issues in a healthy way and the rest will follow. If you find that you're honestly happy being big then I say more power to you. But if you're out there and you're playing the "I wish I could _____" (Not require a seat belt extender on my flight, ride that roller coaster, buy that cute outfit that doesn't come in my size, drive my car without the wheel touching my body, go to a restaurant and not worry about their seating, step in an elevator without people looking at me like I'm going to bring the fucker down) game, just know that you absolutely CAN turn the tables in your favor. The first thing you have to realize is that yes, there is a problem. The second thing you have to come to grips with is asking for help, because everyone needs a support system, no matter how strong and independent you think you may be.

Everyone is going to do what they want regardless of what I say on my blog, but hear me out and then I'll shut it. We only have this one life that we know of and in the vastness of the cosmos we are fleeting. What I'm saying is, our time is limited and as I personally get older it seems that it all goes by in the blink of an eye. I want to live as fully as I can, and although I will never be a thin person I can certainly be a more actively fit thick person instead of a restricted "morbidly" obese person trapped in my own self made prison. Life is what we make of it. As a model I know that looks don't last forever and that goes for any model, big or small, and that there is always a newer, prettier, younger model that will fill my place. So I have to think, "How do I want to be living my life after this is all over?", and I can honestly say I didn't envision living it as a 405 pound women for the rest of my days, because that's quite a grim future.

In closing, I know all too well how much of a struggle losing weight is. It's a real pisser because it seems so great at the time when you're eating that pint of Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream, but it's SO much easier to put it on then it is to get if off again. So if there are any of you out there that need support, my inbox is always open. I really do care about my fellow modeling sisters and in our industry I know the pressures to "get bigger", and I know how tempting those memberships are, but eventually you may find yourself "Done" and if you get there, feel free to reach out . . . I'll be here for you.

Much Love,

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Night Time Lullaby (Courtesy of BBT)

♫ Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr. ♫


Friday, September 24, 2010

Life is short. Have an AFFAIR??

This might not be news to everyone, but when I saw this commercial tonight my jaw hit the floor and at first I didn't think I heard it correctly. So I backed up the DVR and watched it a second time only to find that I DID hear this correctly and I was in shock! Have a look:

Let's put aside the creepiness factor that this bears a remarkable resemblance to the old "School House Rock" educational videos, but HELLO! This website at first blush looks like any other dating site, until you read their slogan, "Life is short. Have an affair.". Seriously, I'm still in shock that not only is there a site that caters to cheating spouses, but that they also promote infidelity in national commercials! I know that the divorce rate in this country is significant. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology: The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage:
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

So obviously there are a lot of people out there in some tough relationships, and I'm sure many of them fantasise about being with someone else and experiencing a different life than the one they are living. However, there's a BIG difference between a fantasy and actually "hooking up" with someone from a secretive adultery service. Look, I'm not one to say when you get married you are locked into it forever without a choice. Shit happens, people change, some are abused, some are neglected, but I have to say that if you're in a marriage that sucks THAT bad then you only have to do one thing . . . get out. Yes, it will only get worse before it gets better if divorce is a giant monkey on your back but let's think of the alternatives.

You make a profile on this site, you meet some interesting people and decide to arrange a date. At this point, if you have a heart and a soul there HAS to be part of you that knows that what you're about to do is wrong. If you're walking out the door with a condom in your pocket or extra makeup to make sure you look right when you get home than you might as well pack a bag too because you're about to take yourself on a guilt trip. Then you have to consider all of the hiding you'll have to do to make sure you don't blow your cover and alert the spouse. What if your partner DOES find out? At worse you'll get divorced and be forced by court order to pay out years and years of alimony/palimony to your ex, or hey maybe handing off an STD would be a great way to say, "Maybe we should break up". Anyway you slice it, no one wins.

So if you are considering using a site like the one above or thinking of cheating on your spouse, do a favor for the both of you and either work through your issues as a couple, or separate. Because if this is crossing your mind as a good idea then you likely are not with the right person for you, or you need to be single.

Good luck out there!

P.S. If none of what I said dissuades you from cheating then I give you one more tidbit to consider. What if by signing up for this completely immoral site you are now unknowingly falling victim to a giant corporate merger of the TV show "Cheaters" and Kiss your ass goodbye in the courtroom, 'cause it's not "Candid Camera" you've been caught on!