Saturday, October 2, 2010

If you really knew me . . .

You'd know that when I was at my heaviest of 405 pounds I wasn't happy, or comfortable, or content. I was in fact . . . miserable. This brings me to the topic of this post which I can imagine will be controversial to some considering who I am and what I do. I have kept my trap shut for many years on this subject but considering this is MY blog I can say whatever I damn well want. This morning I learned of a tragic passing of a model I knew (I will not be divulging her name out of respect, so please don't ask). Although we weren't close friends I had a lot of admiration for her. She was going through an extremely difficult time in her life, a pain in which I can relate to, but not to the degree she was feeling. As she dealt with this pain, she ate, and she ate a lot. More often than not I believe that overeating and over indulging is related to some emotion we're feeling, whether that be sadness, loss, stress, joy, boredom, or greed. I'll be totally honest here when I say that I believe my friend ate herself to death. After hearing of her passing I couldn't stand by any longer and say nothing on this, because I have had a problem with the whole "feeding/gaining" subject for far too long.

As a model first coming into this industry I never even knew of a "BBW" scene. I didn't start modeling because I was overweight, I started because it made me feel like a more confident and sexy woman. Once I was introduced to the BBW side of the playing field, the entire game changed. I was noticed more for my "fat parts" then who I was as a whole. This led to my then webmaster highly encouraging me to do eating content. I never understood the whole concept of it, because as just a regular girl the thought of purposely eating in front of people weirded me out. I always was and always have been very resistant to doing "eating/gaining" content, because for me it's a lie. I may be a "foodee" because I really appreciate my food (see "My Weekly Indulgence: Sushi & Making it "Special"") but I have never been a "gainer". Let's face it, I'm big for a reason. There have been times where I have fulfilled a member request to do an eating video, but I didn't see it as anything more a special request, because I know it's a sought after fetish. I never particularly felt comfortable doing those requests, but I did them anyway. It may be hypocritical for me to say I'm against it and then look back at my past work only to see how I jumped on the bandwagon, but I can admit I never liked it and I shouldn't have done it.

Here's where I'm concerned. I see a lot of new models come into this industry and they quickly fall into the culture of "bigger is better" and before you know it they have eaten their way through 50, 100, 150, 200 pounds. Look, I'm not saying that EVERY model you see is going to fit into this situation, but I can speak from personal experience. I think when I first started modeling I was around 270 pounds, and as the years rolled by, the pounds packed on. Before I knew it I was 405 pounds, getting up from the couch after eating a bunch of crap, having the mother of all epiphanies in the form of a crippling inner thigh muscle cramp. After hobbling upstairs I made my way into a hot shower in an effort to relieve the excruciating spasm. As I stood there crying (I hardly ever cry . . . ever) and bracing myself against the wall I thought, "This is IT!". I could no longer ignore what I was doing to myself, and my body protested to the point of actually taking me down! So that night I decided that something had to be done, and six months later I was 55 pounds lighter and feeling MUCH improved. Eventually I reverted back to old habits and gained back 20 pounds over the next two years. I can now tell you that over the last four months I've shed 50 pounds and I'm lighter now then I was six years ago.

I realize now that when it comes to being overweight, obese, and the worst sounding one . . . morbidly obese; it's an issue that's SO much deeper than just not understanding and abiding by "calories in vs. calories out". I know a plethora of heavy women and men, and I know that the majority (not all) of them have real world issues that contribute to their weight. It's a matter of figuring yourself out first and dealing with those issues in a healthy way and the rest will follow. If you find that you're honestly happy being big then I say more power to you. But if you're out there and you're playing the "I wish I could _____" (Not require a seat belt extender on my flight, ride that roller coaster, buy that cute outfit that doesn't come in my size, drive my car without the wheel touching my body, go to a restaurant and not worry about their seating, step in an elevator without people looking at me like I'm going to bring the fucker down) game, just know that you absolutely CAN turn the tables in your favor. The first thing you have to realize is that yes, there is a problem. The second thing you have to come to grips with is asking for help, because everyone needs a support system, no matter how strong and independent you think you may be.

Everyone is going to do what they want regardless of what I say on my blog, but hear me out and then I'll shut it. We only have this one life that we know of and in the vastness of the cosmos we are fleeting. What I'm saying is, our time is limited and as I personally get older it seems that it all goes by in the blink of an eye. I want to live as fully as I can, and although I will never be a thin person I can certainly be a more actively fit thick person instead of a restricted "morbidly" obese person trapped in my own self made prison. Life is what we make of it. As a model I know that looks don't last forever and that goes for any model, big or small, and that there is always a newer, prettier, younger model that will fill my place. So I have to think, "How do I want to be living my life after this is all over?", and I can honestly say I didn't envision living it as a 405 pound women for the rest of my days, because that's quite a grim future.

In closing, I know all too well how much of a struggle losing weight is. It's a real pisser because it seems so great at the time when you're eating that pint of Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream, but it's SO much easier to put it on then it is to get if off again. So if there are any of you out there that need support, my inbox is always open. I really do care about my fellow modeling sisters and in our industry I know the pressures to "get bigger", and I know how tempting those memberships are, but eventually you may find yourself "Done" and if you get there, feel free to reach out . . . I'll be here for you.

Much Love,


Pornvert said...

Thanks for such a personal, heartfelt blog post, Gwen. One thing that I appreciate about the BBW genre is that it celebrates the sexuality of women who are not the "typical" star. I like seeing BBW as long as it is focused on the woman as being proud of who she is rather than as a way for the man to degrade her because her waist is not 22 inches around.

I frequently say that women are most beautiful when they are happy with their self-image. Thanks for standing up for that and sharing your struggle. Best wishes for achieving the body with which you are happy!

Ms. Nicole said...

I am happy for your weight loss success Gwen. I am also proud that you expressed your true feelings about the unhealthy lifestyle that is encouraged on the extreme fetish side of the BBW community. It was a personal thing for me to talk about on my own blog over the last year and about how uncomfortable I felt at 5'1" 358lbs. But ultimately it's about pleasing ourselves and nobody else and I can probably guess that you are much happier now that you are more comfortable in your own body.I hope you have continued success in losing however much you wish to lose.